By Mercurynews.com
FOR NINE “American Idol” seasons, Simon Cowell, the undisputed champ of TV curmudgeons, crushed dreams, punctured egos and destroyed psyches. And we loved him for it.
That’s why tonight’s finale takes on greater meaning than the lackluster season that preceded it would seem to indicate. It’s not only a coronation and celebration, as it usually is — it’s a bittersweet farewell party. Cowell is leaving to take on another televised singing competition, and it’s safe to assume “American Idol” will never be the same.
So, yes, fans will be anxiously waiting to see whether Crystal Bowersox or Lee DeWyze captures the ninth “Idol” crown. But they’ll also be mourning the loss of the man who played a big role — maybe the biggest — in turning the show into a national obsession.
He first seized our attention in June of 2002, when “Idol” launched as a little unassuming talent show designed to fill some summer hours. Initially, we were taken aback. Here was a smug and surly Brit spewing the kind of verbal barbs typically reserved for talk radio. He was breathtakingly rude and insulting.
But the more we listened, the more we realized this straight-shooting son of a gun was usually right — and that, in his offbeat way, he was even helping the contestants. Most important: he was undeniably entertaining.
“Idol” ratings soared. Simon’s wallet grew fatter than his ego. The term “karaoke” became a code word for crimes against humanity. All across television, his caustic style was mimicked, but never surpassed.
And now, he’s bolting to bring his own wildly popular British series, “The X-factor,” to Fox in the fall of 2011. “Idol,” having already taken a ratings hit this season, will go on with a replacement. But trying to replace Simon sort of seems like trying to make an omelet without the eggs. He was that vital an ingredient.
In his autobiography, Simon says he spewed his first insult at age 4, telling his mother that she “looked like a poodle.” As an “Idol” judge, he turned the verbal beat-down into performance art. Some choice zingers:
Simon: “You should know, Ryan.”
Ryan: “Stay out of my closet.”
Simon: “Come out.”
Mostly, though, Ryan just annoyed the cranky judge.
“It’s rather like having a silly little dog who wants to jump up on your lap and you just swat the dog off,” Simon told an interviewer. “Occasionally in a very stern voice you have to say ‘no.’ And that’s how I deal with Ryan.”
The contestants strike back
Yes, Simon dished it out, but occasionally he got it right back from his victims.
After telling Kira Scott he wouldn’t notice her if she walked in a room, she hissed, “So the rumors must be true. You must be gay.” And when plus-sized contestant Mandisa grew tired of his insulting comments about her weight, she politely called him on it (and he apologized).
Then there was Jonathan Rey, a deluded wannabe, who after being skewered by Mr. Nasty during an audition, approached the judge and doused him with a cup of water. Caught off guard, Simon said, “I thought he was coming up to shake my hand.”
Clothes make the man
Simon might be the richest man in prime time, but you could never tell from his woefully basic wardrobe. The typical Simon look? Jeans and monochromatic T-shirts that show off a hint of chest hair.
And yet, he never hesitated to bash the sartorial choices of “Idol” contestants, including Siobhan Magnus, who this season was repeatedly knocked for her far-out fashions.
Moaned Magnus, “For someone who wears the same V-neck every day, he sure has an awful lot to say about my style.”
Showing his soft side
Occasionally, Simon retracted his claws and went all squishy on us. There was that time in Season 5 when he apologized to Katharine McPhee one night after panning her rendition of a Whitney Houston song. (” … I was unfair …”).
Just this season, he gently consoled Kara DioGuardi after she was moved to tears by a contestant’s performance and even hugged it out with Andrew Garcia’s mother after deeming her son to be “boring.”
Yes, apparently the “Idol” Grinch does have a heart — even if it might be two sizes too small.
The descendants
How much influence has Simon had on reality TV? Now, every show, it seems, features its own cranky, straight-talking Brit:
Early on, they truly could not stand one another. Once, she even spat her gum at him. “You disgusting pig!” he snarled.
Eventually, though, the ice thawed, and it wasn’t uncommon to see the two holding hands, tickling, hugging and playfully wrestling.
In one of the show’s best skits, Paula, who is returning tonight for the farewell, and Simon gaze dreamily at one another over a candlelit dinner. After some feeding of strawberries and licking of lips, it all leads to a passionate smooch — until, of course, Simon wakes up to discover it’s a “horrible nightmare.”
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I say GOOD RIDDANCE!!!
I’d say that Simon Cowell sabotaged Season 9 of American Idol by nitpicking the non-musical aspects of the truly musically talented contestants like Siobhan Magnus and overpraising and pimping the obviously limited capacities of the boring finalists.
You won’t be missed Simon!
………SPERM IS ALL OVER THE PLACE NOW!!