Say stop when this story gets exciting. Catherine Zeta-Jones is in a musical. It’s set in 19th century Sweden.
It features the song Send In The Clowns. At one point last week Catherine Zeta-Jones accidentally flashed the audience. Some songs in the musical employ compound meter, with a time signature such as 12/8. That’s right, the exciting part of this story is that Catherine Zeta-Jones’ musical occasionally employs compound meter, with a time signature such as 12/8! Exciting!
Oh, and also we suppose the bit about Catherine Zeta-Jones getting her boobs out is exciting too, if you like seeing things that Michael Douglas has had his mouth on.
When was the last time anyone ever got excited about Catherine Zeta-Jones? When she made that film about the chef who wished that there was a recipe book… for love? No. When she made those Zorro films that nobody has thought about since the day they were released? No. When she starred in the worst-ever Coen Brothers movie? No. When she won an Oscar for being in the film version of that musical that David Hasselhoff and Jerry Springer have starred in? Maybe. And that was eight years ago.
So for people to start taking her seriously again, Catherine Zeta-Jones needed to grab everyone’s attention. That’s why she signed up for the Broadway version of A Little Night Music, a beloved Stephen Sondheim musical based on an Ingmar Bergman movie. Not only would the musical prove that Catherine Zeta-Jones has the tenacity and endurance to perform to live audiences, but it’d push her vocal abilities to the forefront, thanks to Sondheim’s use of techniques like counterpoint and polyphony. It was bound to make people notice Catherine Zeta-Jones again.
But that didn’t really work, so she just got her bangers out instead. The Sydney Morning Herald reports:
Catherine Zeta-Jones flashed her breasts to theatre-goers last week… when she opened her kimono a little too much, revealing her breasts to the left side of the audience. A theatre-goer said: “I couldn’t believe it. No wonder Michael Douglas looks so happy. The couple sitting next to me also saw it and poked each other.”
Now call us sceptical, but we think we smell a rat here. Not because Catherine Zeta-Jones’ performance in A Little Night Music has been so roundly panned by critics that the promise of partial nudity from a beautiful Hollywood star seems like a last-ditch attempt to keep ticket sales up. No, it’s because of that last quote, “No wonder Michael Douglas looks so happy.”
When has Michael Douglas ever looked happy? Looking happy is probably the last thing that Michael Douglas would ever be famous for. Now, if that theatre-goer had said “No wonder Michael Douglas looks like an elephant scrotum that’s been loosely wrapped around a tennis ball,” we’d have been more inclined to go along with it – but as it stands now? No.
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She’s a great singer and a fantastic dancer… she should stick to broadway